Thoughts Thrown At The Screen [Unedited]

I noticed how I want to give attention to people who seem to want it less than other that are contrary.
That seems to be as bad as ignoring Haiti and going to feed people in...well the most well fed people in the world. It seems that it is a meaningless act. *big sigh*

Other things I have noticed, yes about myself, is that I keep to myself and indoors. The funny thing is introverts haven't been my idea of some one to admire.

I am using this website Blogger to observe, record, and learn about myself. Some goals I am setting are to see if I have changed and to preserve the current me. Right now the present me is an introverted, contradiction. I like to be indoors, draw less attention to myself most of the time, unless I am in a mood; I am a Christian and a gay, though I don't want to and want to act on the gay part. I have been raised in the church ever since I was a little boy...a funny little boy who played with Barbies and Ninja Turtles, but mostly the first one. When I was 16, I came out of the closet to be with a new student named Michael, who was also gay. At the time God did not make my life laborous, in fact looking back in the past I was happier being less intelligent than I am now. Even though I am not real all that intelligent. I still have a lot to learn. Well it seemed when I came to school God had really challenged me, even as we speak. I have been challenged with porn, homosexuality, dealing with people and friends, alcohal, school and the future. I would still watch porn like it was...well a masterpiece in a museum. Just watching and whacking, but the Bible says it is a sin, and all sins are equal. For example, lusting over two steroid men butt fuck each other is just as bad as lying to a friend, or locking a ophanage up and setting it on fire and recording their screams for future music to listen to when I go to sleep. Yep all sins are the same and yes, that was a sick ass thought.
Oh yes swearing is looked down upon in the Bible. How can a spring or pond produce both fresh and salt water, just as the mouth gives glory to God and curses fellow man who God has made in his image.

Some of the things I am going to do is stop doing it looking at porn, swearing, eating when I am bored, and stop having the sex with the men. It is kind of sick the way gay men have sex with each other. Like the words from Shane Dawson, "...its like your pooping backwards."
Somethings I am going to start to do is, work out, keep myself busy, hold my tongue when I want to tell some one terribly hateful things, keep going to the Christian's small group for men. Even though in some way it feels like going to an AA meeting. I am coming out of it each time depressed by feeling worse, thinking about things I shouldn't do, should do and if I am going to Hell. Since I have no desire to have the sex with a women or marry one. I don't think I am going to have a normal life. I think it is just going to be jacked up. On a side note, I like when Borat said he wanted to "perform the sex".