Lunch with former boyfriend was most relieving. Someone I hated for the longest time has now become a friend. There was 2 times sex was offered, I think. But I brushed it off as a joke. He is still handsome as before but even better looking. He told me of his past, after our break up. He was abused, lusted and loved. This has made him into a new man. A strange one, and when I mean strange I mean one that is hard to figure out, then again I am not the smartest of people. He touch my face today to remove an eye lash and that scared me. I was started. Shortly after he wanted me to touch his smooth, blemish-less face. I was...I didn't want to, I hesatated. It has been so long since I had touched him. This person, this man that had haunted my dreams and public life. This same man that made me cry, my heart break, and turned my thought's against myself in doubt wanted me to touch his face. Because he washed his face with honey, which is mighty tasty if I do say so myself. I touch his face, and took quite the curiousity of his face then the pleasure. The truth is I both fear him and have feelins for him. I admit I was never the same after our relationship together. From then on I only felt half the man, or a man in pieces, but whatever the case I never felt completly whole. Perhaps I died in spirit, perhaps I have been sleeping all this time. But whatever, I still don't feel normal most of the time.

I have forgiven him of the past, but I don't think I could ever be as close as we once were. I think I have and will keep people at a distance. My mom, my friends, my family. They all know parts of my life, while God knows the whole. I, myself, can't recall everything, some memories are too painful to remember the details. I will I could have been stronger, more stronger of a person! I am such a weak person. I am tired of being weak and judged! Negativity and failure have been my wardrobe. My clothes of cement and stone.

To be refized...