I noticed how I want to give attention to people who seem to want it less than other that are contrary.
That seems to be as bad as ignoring Haiti and going to feed people in...well the most well fed people in the world. It seems that it is a meaningless act. *big sigh*
Other things I have noticed, yes about myself, is that I keep to myself and indoors. The funny thing is introverts haven't been my idea of some one to admire.
I am using this website Blogger to observe, record, and learn about myself. Some goals I am setting are to see if I have changed and to preserve the current me. Right now the present me is an introverted, contradiction. I like to be indoors, draw less attention to myself most of the time, unless I am in a mood; I am a Christian and a gay, though I don't want to and want to act on the gay part. I have been raised in the church ever since I was a little boy...a funny little boy who played with Barbies and Ninja Turtles, but mostly the first one. When I was 16, I came out of the closet to be with a new student named Michael, who was also gay. At the time God did not make my life laborous, in fact looking back in the past I was happier being less intelligent than I am now. Even though I am not real all that intelligent. I still have a lot to learn. Well it seemed when I came to school God had really challenged me, even as we speak. I have been challenged with porn, homosexuality, dealing with people and friends, alcohal, school and the future. I would still watch porn like it was...well a masterpiece in a museum. Just watching and whacking, but the Bible says it is a sin, and all sins are equal. For example, lusting over two steroid men butt fuck each other is just as bad as lying to a friend, or locking a ophanage up and setting it on fire and recording their screams for future music to listen to when I go to sleep. Yep all sins are the same and yes, that was a sick ass thought.
Oh yes swearing is looked down upon in the Bible. How can a spring or pond produce both fresh and salt water, just as the mouth gives glory to God and curses fellow man who God has made in his image.
Some of the things I am going to do is stop doing it looking at porn, swearing, eating when I am bored, and stop having the sex with the men. It is kind of sick the way gay men have sex with each other. Like the words from Shane Dawson, "...its like your pooping backwards."
Somethings I am going to start to do is, work out, keep myself busy, hold my tongue when I want to tell some one terribly hateful things, keep going to the Christian's small group for men. Even though in some way it feels like going to an AA meeting. I am coming out of it each time depressed by feeling worse, thinking about things I shouldn't do, should do and if I am going to Hell. Since I have no desire to have the sex with a women or marry one. I don't think I am going to have a normal life. I think it is just going to be jacked up. On a side note, I like when Borat said he wanted to "perform the sex".
Friday, February 11, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
iMonster
I like this band called iMonster.
Their music is a little slow but still nice to listen to.
My favorite would have to be
Heaven
Who Is She
Their music is a little slow but still nice to listen to.
My favorite would have to be
Heaven
Who Is She
Friday, January 21, 2011
Counseling Center Help
The counseling center was very successful today.
I learned that I think negatively and resent people. I need to let go of resentment and terrible things in the past and build boundaries for the future. I am not sure what boundaries are healthy, though.
I was told that anger goes away within 15 seconds, unless a person thinks about that anger and dwells on it. Then is will last longer.
I need to change my thoughts from over exaggerating to realistic. For example, instead of saying never and always say a lot of the time, or most of the time.
Words of today:
Resent - verb (used with object)
-to feel or show displeasure or indignation at (a person, act, remark, etc.) from a sense of injury or insult.
—Can be confused: begrudge, regret, resent (see synonym note at regret).
I learned that I think negatively and resent people. I need to let go of resentment and terrible things in the past and build boundaries for the future. I am not sure what boundaries are healthy, though.
I was told that anger goes away within 15 seconds, unless a person thinks about that anger and dwells on it. Then is will last longer.
I need to change my thoughts from over exaggerating to realistic. For example, instead of saying never and always say a lot of the time, or most of the time.
Words of today:
Resent - verb (used with object)
-to feel or show displeasure or indignation at (a person, act, remark, etc.) from a sense of injury or insult.
—Can be confused: begrudge, regret, resent (see synonym note at regret).
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Depressing Day of Depression
(This title is a downer)
Words that were interesting today.
Dispair –noun
1. loss of hope; hopelessness.
2. someone or something that causes hopelessness: He is the despair of his mother.
–verb (used without object)
3. to lose, give up, or be without hope (often fol. by of ): to despair of humanity.
–verb (used with object)
4. Obsolete . to give up hope of.
________________________________
—Synonyms
1. gloom, disheartenment. Despair, desperation, despondency, discouragement, hopelessness refer to a state of mind caused by circumstances that seem too much to cope with. Despair suggests total loss of hope, which may be passive or may drive one to furious efforts, even if at random: in the depths of despair; courage born of despair. Desperation is usually an active state, the abandonment of hope impelling to a furious struggle against adverse circumstances, with utter disregard of consequences: an act of desperation when everything else had failed. Despondency is a state of deep gloom and disheartenment: a spell of despondency. Discouragement is a loss of courage, hope, and ambition because of obstacles, frustrations, etc.: His optimism yielded to discouragement. Hopelessness is a loss of hope so complete as to result in a more or less permanent state of passive despair: a state of hopelessness and apathy.
—Antonyms
1. hope.
Anguish – noun
1. excruciating or acute distress, suffering, or pain: the anguish of grief.
–verb (used with object)
2. to inflict with distress, suffering, or pain.
–verb (used without object)
3. to suffer, feel, or exhibit anguish: to anguish over the loss of a loved one. ________________________________
—Synonyms
1. agony, torment, torture. See pain.
—Antonyms
1. delight, comfort, relief.
Distress –noun
1. great pain, anxiety, or sorrow; acute physical or mental suffering; affliction; trouble.
2. a state of extreme necessity or misfortune.
3. the state of a ship or airplane requiring immediate assistance, as when on fire in transit.
4. that which causes pain, suffering, trouble, danger, etc.
5. liability or exposure to pain, suffering, trouble, etc.; danger: a damsel in distress.
6. Law .
a. the legal seizure and detention of the goods of another as security or satisfaction for debt, etc.; the act of distraining.
b. the thing seized in distraining.
7. to dent, scratch, or stain (furniture, lumber, or the like) so as to give an appearance of age.
Torture –noun
1. the act of inflicting excruciating pain, as punishment or revenge, as a means of getting a confession or information, or for sheer cruelty.
2. a method of inflicting such pain.
3. Often, tortures. the pain or suffering caused or undergone.
4. extreme anguish of body or mind; agony.
5. a cause of severe pain or anguish.
–verb (used with object)
6. to subject to torture.
7. to afflict with severe pain of body or mind: My back is torturing me.
8. to force or extort by torture: We'll torture the truth from his lips!
9. to twist, force, or bring into some unnatural position or form: trees tortured by storms.
10. to distort or pervert (language, meaning, etc.).
—Synonyms
6. See torment.
Cool Designer Websites
http://www.1stwebdesigner.com/inspiration/50-more-amazing-3d-typography-works-inspiration/
Silver Grey Photography
Ayame Fataru Illustrations
Words that were interesting today.
Dispair –noun
1. loss of hope; hopelessness.
2. someone or something that causes hopelessness: He is the despair of his mother.
–verb (used without object)
3. to lose, give up, or be without hope (often fol. by of ): to despair of humanity.
–verb (used with object)
4. Obsolete . to give up hope of.
________________________________
—Synonyms
1. gloom, disheartenment. Despair, desperation, despondency, discouragement, hopelessness refer to a state of mind caused by circumstances that seem too much to cope with. Despair suggests total loss of hope, which may be passive or may drive one to furious efforts, even if at random: in the depths of despair; courage born of despair. Desperation is usually an active state, the abandonment of hope impelling to a furious struggle against adverse circumstances, with utter disregard of consequences: an act of desperation when everything else had failed. Despondency is a state of deep gloom and disheartenment: a spell of despondency. Discouragement is a loss of courage, hope, and ambition because of obstacles, frustrations, etc.: His optimism yielded to discouragement. Hopelessness is a loss of hope so complete as to result in a more or less permanent state of passive despair: a state of hopelessness and apathy.
—Antonyms
1. hope.
Anguish – noun
1. excruciating or acute distress, suffering, or pain: the anguish of grief.
–verb (used with object)
2. to inflict with distress, suffering, or pain.
–verb (used without object)
3. to suffer, feel, or exhibit anguish: to anguish over the loss of a loved one. ________________________________
—Synonyms
1. agony, torment, torture. See pain.
—Antonyms
1. delight, comfort, relief.
Distress –noun
1. great pain, anxiety, or sorrow; acute physical or mental suffering; affliction; trouble.
2. a state of extreme necessity or misfortune.
3. the state of a ship or airplane requiring immediate assistance, as when on fire in transit.
4. that which causes pain, suffering, trouble, danger, etc.
5. liability or exposure to pain, suffering, trouble, etc.; danger: a damsel in distress.
6. Law .
a. the legal seizure and detention of the goods of another as security or satisfaction for debt, etc.; the act of distraining.
b. the thing seized in distraining.
7. to dent, scratch, or stain (furniture, lumber, or the like) so as to give an appearance of age.
Torture –noun
1. the act of inflicting excruciating pain, as punishment or revenge, as a means of getting a confession or information, or for sheer cruelty.
2. a method of inflicting such pain.
3. Often, tortures. the pain or suffering caused or undergone.
4. extreme anguish of body or mind; agony.
5. a cause of severe pain or anguish.
–verb (used with object)
6. to subject to torture.
7. to afflict with severe pain of body or mind: My back is torturing me.
8. to force or extort by torture: We'll torture the truth from his lips!
9. to twist, force, or bring into some unnatural position or form: trees tortured by storms.
10. to distort or pervert (language, meaning, etc.).
—Synonyms
6. See torment.
Cool Designer Websites
http://www.1stwebdesigner.com/inspiration/50-more-amazing-3d-typography-works-inspiration/
Silver Grey Photography
Ayame Fataru Illustrations
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
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