Sleepless and Dreamless

I can't sleep. I count the hours as they go by on my alarm clock. Slowly time dwindles down until I need to sleep before I don't get an adequate amount of sleep. When I wake, it's never a full restful sleep. I feel as if I am still sleeping and in a nightmare where I have to go to work. Work. Hahahaha, if that is what you call it. When I work, it's for a man who is bi-polar, egotistical, unfair, uncaring, selfish and sometime sincere when it suit his fancy. This is no way to live. Well for me at least. I can't work with a man who is like that. I can't be belittled every day. That's no way to live. Do other people live this way and I have never known about it. That is no way for them to live like that. My heart goes out to those people whom suffer the same circumstance. On another note. I am still single. Still haven't talked to any guys on OkCupid. Still haven't drawn a damn thing. Still here, moving at the speed of Moc Zero. There has to be more to life than this. Childhood and all it's trials and rewards seems like magic compared to what I am living now. This raises the question of "Why have kids?" To have them go through the same shit that you do? ...you have to experience? This all seems unfair and utterly, hopelessly sad.

Today is a long long long update. I want to say that today was a good day. No body died and no body got hurt. I want to hurt many people but refrained from doing so. I can't help but think my co-worker is hot shit. He knows he is hot and knows that I think he is hot. He has been acting strangely as of lately. I don't know what it is, but... in the words of my boss, "It's starting to really piss me off." Hahahaha stupid ass whole. What a world, what a world! It's kind of funny how the world works. Whether is is a higher power, God, or Karma, it has a funny but sick and twisted sense of humor. People that you like don't want to be more than friends. And they like someone else whom has no interest in them. It is some vicious cycle. Sigh! I guess that is life. C'est La Vie!

I feel bored all the time. Today was no exception. But I did get a phone call from the Pioneer today. They would like me to go to the hospital and take a drug test. I have smoked pot in about a month. I know this is incredibly naive but how long does it take pot to go through you system before you can take a drug test and be clean.
I did a google search and a website said that the half life could take 1 to 10 days to get the half of the THC out of your system. So it has been about a month so I should be fine. I wonder what happens if you don't pass. Do they turn you in to the authorities. Strange.

The Wages of Sin is Death

In the Bible, somewhere, states that the wages of sin is death. People sin everyday. I have also been questioned if muslims, mormons, everyone else non-Christains goes to hell. I was feeling dark as I have been increasingly so. Do to extreme excited happy people, loss of once thought close friends, no job, lack of money, boredom, and lack of sleep. Well I was in a mood today and wanted to ask this muslim classmate, well more likely tell him, "It's kind of funny really, you religions says that you can't eat pigs and my religion says that we both are going to hell. Me for being a man and sleeping with me and you for being Muslim." Followed with a good hardy chuckle, for effect.

To add to being angry when people around me are happy. The funny thing is when people are unhappy I become strangely happy. Oddest thing!

I also had a thought. That what if Satan devised a way to use Christianity to make people sad, angry, loss of faith, by making them focus on their sin and hate themselves so much that they forget God is love and he loves them very much. When I was a kid, I remember the God of Christians being a loving God. And now that I am older, He has been introduced as a mighty judge that cannot look upon the sinners and condemns those to hell. Have people forgotten that God is love and to love one another. But how can I even say this when I want to introduce a shovel to people face almost every single day.

In closing I think three things.
1. Being gay is not a choice. I cannot help but glance at a guy and think he is hot, just like a normal guy checks out a girl. I can't stop it. It won't stop!
2. I am going to hell for being gay and that I am unsaveable, but I don't want to go to hell.
3. Love will set us free. But I find it hard to love, the stupid, the retarded, the smelly, the ugly and the boasting. I find them all distasteful. And I find that the people who can't love and think little of people are distasteful. Yes, that is correct, I find myself to be distasteful and disgusting.

I hope I can truly love people some day.

Thoughts Thrown At The Screen [Unedited]

I am still a little lonely.
Still find men to be sexually arousing.
Still am lazy.
Still procrastinating on homework.
Still not liking my living conditions, even though they are worlds better.
Still not sure about the future.
Plan A - go to Kendal
Plan B - go to Grand Rapids to find a job
Plan C - stay in Big Rapids and work here (postman)
Plan E - accept defeat and move back home with my family.

What's New

Last night I saw Megamind and My Life in Ruins, they were both wonderfully funny movies that I would recommend for anyone.

Lunch with former boyfriend was most relieving. Someone I hated for the longest time has now become a friend. There was 2 times sex was offered, I think. But I brushed it off as a joke. He is still handsome as before but even better looking. He told me of his past, after our break up. He was abused, lusted and loved. This has made him into a new man. A strange one, and when I mean strange I mean one that is hard to figure out, then again I am not the smartest of people. He touch my face today to remove an eye lash and that scared me. I was started. Shortly after he wanted me to touch his smooth, blemish-less face. I was...I didn't want to, I hesatated. It has been so long since I had touched him. This person, this man that had haunted my dreams and public life. This same man that made me cry, my heart break, and turned my thought's against myself in doubt wanted me to touch his face. Because he washed his face with honey, which is mighty tasty if I do say so myself. I touch his face, and took quite the curiousity of his face then the pleasure. The truth is I both fear him and have feelins for him. I admit I was never the same after our relationship together. From then on I only felt half the man, or a man in pieces, but whatever the case I never felt completly whole. Perhaps I died in spirit, perhaps I have been sleeping all this time. But whatever, I still don't feel normal most of the time.

I have forgiven him of the past, but I don't think I could ever be as close as we once were. I think I have and will keep people at a distance. My mom, my friends, my family. They all know parts of my life, while God knows the whole. I, myself, can't recall everything, some memories are too painful to remember the details. I will I could have been stronger, more stronger of a person! I am such a weak person. I am tired of being weak and judged! Negativity and failure have been my wardrobe. My clothes of cement and stone.

To be refized...