I feel bored all the time. Today was no exception. But I did get a phone call from the Pioneer today. They would like me to go to the hospital and take a drug test. I have smoked pot in about a month. I know this is incredibly naive but how long does it take pot to go through you system before you can take a drug test and be clean.
I did a google search and a website said that the half life could take 1 to 10 days to get the half of the THC out of your system. So it has been about a month so I should be fine. I wonder what happens if you don't pass. Do they turn you in to the authorities. Strange.

The Wages of Sin is Death

In the Bible, somewhere, states that the wages of sin is death. People sin everyday. I have also been questioned if muslims, mormons, everyone else non-Christains goes to hell. I was feeling dark as I have been increasingly so. Do to extreme excited happy people, loss of once thought close friends, no job, lack of money, boredom, and lack of sleep. Well I was in a mood today and wanted to ask this muslim classmate, well more likely tell him, "It's kind of funny really, you religions says that you can't eat pigs and my religion says that we both are going to hell. Me for being a man and sleeping with me and you for being Muslim." Followed with a good hardy chuckle, for effect.

To add to being angry when people around me are happy. The funny thing is when people are unhappy I become strangely happy. Oddest thing!

I also had a thought. That what if Satan devised a way to use Christianity to make people sad, angry, loss of faith, by making them focus on their sin and hate themselves so much that they forget God is love and he loves them very much. When I was a kid, I remember the God of Christians being a loving God. And now that I am older, He has been introduced as a mighty judge that cannot look upon the sinners and condemns those to hell. Have people forgotten that God is love and to love one another. But how can I even say this when I want to introduce a shovel to people face almost every single day.

In closing I think three things.
1. Being gay is not a choice. I cannot help but glance at a guy and think he is hot, just like a normal guy checks out a girl. I can't stop it. It won't stop!
2. I am going to hell for being gay and that I am unsaveable, but I don't want to go to hell.
3. Love will set us free. But I find it hard to love, the stupid, the retarded, the smelly, the ugly and the boasting. I find them all distasteful. And I find that the people who can't love and think little of people are distasteful. Yes, that is correct, I find myself to be distasteful and disgusting.

I hope I can truly love people some day.

Thoughts Thrown At The Screen [Unedited]

I am still a little lonely.
Still find men to be sexually arousing.
Still am lazy.
Still procrastinating on homework.
Still not liking my living conditions, even though they are worlds better.
Still not sure about the future.
Plan A - go to Kendal
Plan B - go to Grand Rapids to find a job
Plan C - stay in Big Rapids and work here (postman)
Plan E - accept defeat and move back home with my family.

What's New

Last night I saw Megamind and My Life in Ruins, they were both wonderfully funny movies that I would recommend for anyone.

Lunch with former boyfriend was most relieving. Someone I hated for the longest time has now become a friend. There was 2 times sex was offered, I think. But I brushed it off as a joke. He is still handsome as before but even better looking. He told me of his past, after our break up. He was abused, lusted and loved. This has made him into a new man. A strange one, and when I mean strange I mean one that is hard to figure out, then again I am not the smartest of people. He touch my face today to remove an eye lash and that scared me. I was started. Shortly after he wanted me to touch his smooth, blemish-less face. I was...I didn't want to, I hesatated. It has been so long since I had touched him. This person, this man that had haunted my dreams and public life. This same man that made me cry, my heart break, and turned my thought's against myself in doubt wanted me to touch his face. Because he washed his face with honey, which is mighty tasty if I do say so myself. I touch his face, and took quite the curiousity of his face then the pleasure. The truth is I both fear him and have feelins for him. I admit I was never the same after our relationship together. From then on I only felt half the man, or a man in pieces, but whatever the case I never felt completly whole. Perhaps I died in spirit, perhaps I have been sleeping all this time. But whatever, I still don't feel normal most of the time.

I have forgiven him of the past, but I don't think I could ever be as close as we once were. I think I have and will keep people at a distance. My mom, my friends, my family. They all know parts of my life, while God knows the whole. I, myself, can't recall everything, some memories are too painful to remember the details. I will I could have been stronger, more stronger of a person! I am such a weak person. I am tired of being weak and judged! Negativity and failure have been my wardrobe. My clothes of cement and stone.

To be refized...

Emotions, A Movie, and the Future!

Anger Issues
Fight Club Movie
Life Choices

Just a little while ago my friend made me spill my drink. I was on my second glass of a whiskey sour, when my friend tried to drink it and I pulled it away. I spilt it and well that's when I got really angry and was just going to clean it up. He insisted that he clean it up but I know how he does things, he is slow to clean things up. I also knew he was busy. Well I wasn't doing any thing at the time so I told him I can do it...wait the first thing I said was, "Would you leave the kitchen". Then he wouldn't leave the room and said I am getting overly angry and what you are saying is kind of hurtful.
I guess the tone of my voice spoke my angry or perhaps it was

A friend of mine gave some advise, read the crap out of a Finance book. But what I think he means is read the crap out of a school book. Because when you are
Maybe instead of just talking about your problem, one should do something about it. My friend says talking could be very good. I think he is a little crazy, but there is still truth to what he says. Especially talking to someone else and get their opinion with their wisdom and perspective.

I will pray about this anger of mine.

Thoughts Thrown At The Screen [Unedited]

I noticed how I want to give attention to people who seem to want it less than other that are contrary.
That seems to be as bad as ignoring Haiti and going to feed people in...well the most well fed people in the world. It seems that it is a meaningless act. *big sigh*

Other things I have noticed, yes about myself, is that I keep to myself and indoors. The funny thing is introverts haven't been my idea of some one to admire.

I am using this website Blogger to observe, record, and learn about myself. Some goals I am setting are to see if I have changed and to preserve the current me. Right now the present me is an introverted, contradiction. I like to be indoors, draw less attention to myself most of the time, unless I am in a mood; I am a Christian and a gay, though I don't want to and want to act on the gay part. I have been raised in the church ever since I was a little boy...a funny little boy who played with Barbies and Ninja Turtles, but mostly the first one. When I was 16, I came out of the closet to be with a new student named Michael, who was also gay. At the time God did not make my life laborous, in fact looking back in the past I was happier being less intelligent than I am now. Even though I am not real all that intelligent. I still have a lot to learn. Well it seemed when I came to school God had really challenged me, even as we speak. I have been challenged with porn, homosexuality, dealing with people and friends, alcohal, school and the future. I would still watch porn like it was...well a masterpiece in a museum. Just watching and whacking, but the Bible says it is a sin, and all sins are equal. For example, lusting over two steroid men butt fuck each other is just as bad as lying to a friend, or locking a ophanage up and setting it on fire and recording their screams for future music to listen to when I go to sleep. Yep all sins are the same and yes, that was a sick ass thought.
Oh yes swearing is looked down upon in the Bible. How can a spring or pond produce both fresh and salt water, just as the mouth gives glory to God and curses fellow man who God has made in his image.

Some of the things I am going to do is stop doing it looking at porn, swearing, eating when I am bored, and stop having the sex with the men. It is kind of sick the way gay men have sex with each other. Like the words from Shane Dawson, "...its like your pooping backwards."
Somethings I am going to start to do is, work out, keep myself busy, hold my tongue when I want to tell some one terribly hateful things, keep going to the Christian's small group for men. Even though in some way it feels like going to an AA meeting. I am coming out of it each time depressed by feeling worse, thinking about things I shouldn't do, should do and if I am going to Hell. Since I have no desire to have the sex with a women or marry one. I don't think I am going to have a normal life. I think it is just going to be jacked up. On a side note, I like when Borat said he wanted to "perform the sex".

iMonster

I like this band called iMonster.
Their music is a little slow but still nice to listen to.

My favorite would have to be
Heaven


Who Is She

Counseling Center Help

The counseling center was very successful today.
I learned that I think negatively and resent people. I need to let go of resentment and terrible things in the past and build boundaries for the future. I am not sure what boundaries are healthy, though.

I was told that anger goes away within 15 seconds, unless a person thinks about that anger and dwells on it. Then is will last longer.
I need to change my thoughts from over exaggerating to realistic. For example, instead of saying never and always say a lot of the time, or most of the time.


Words of today:

Resent - verb (used with object)
-to feel or show displeasure or indignation at (a person, act, remark, etc.) from a sense of injury or insult.
—Can be confused:  begrudge, regret, resent (see synonym note at regret).

Depressing Day of Depression

(This title is a downer)

Words that were interesting today.

Dispair –noun
1. loss of hope; hopelessness.
2. someone or something that causes hopelessness: He is the despair of his mother.
–verb (used without object)
3. to lose, give up, or be without hope (often fol. by of ): to despair of humanity.
–verb (used with object)
4. Obsolete . to give up hope of.
________________________________
—Synonyms
1. gloom, disheartenment. Despair, desperation, despondency, discouragement, hopelessness refer to a state of mind caused by circumstances that seem too much to cope with. Despair suggests total loss of hope, which may be passive or may drive one to furious efforts, even if at random: in the depths of despair; courage born of despair. Desperation is usually an active state, the abandonment of hope impelling to a furious struggle against adverse circumstances, with utter disregard of consequences: an act of desperation when everything else had failed. Despondency is a state of deep gloom and disheartenment: a spell of despondency. Discouragement is a loss of courage, hope, and ambition because of obstacles, frustrations, etc.: His optimism yielded to discouragement. Hopelessness is a loss of hope so complete as to result in a more or less permanent state of passive despair: a state of hopelessness and apathy.

—Antonyms
1. hope.


Anguish – noun
1. excruciating or acute distress, suffering, or pain: the anguish of grief.
–verb (used with object)
2. to inflict with distress, suffering, or pain.
–verb (used without object)
3. to suffer, feel, or exhibit anguish: to anguish over the loss of a loved one. ________________________________
—Synonyms
1. agony, torment, torture. See pain.
—Antonyms
1. delight, comfort, relief.


Distress –noun
1. great pain, anxiety, or sorrow; acute physical or mental suffering; affliction; trouble.
2. a state of extreme necessity or misfortune.
3. the state of a ship or airplane requiring immediate assistance, as when on fire in transit.
4. that which causes pain, suffering, trouble, danger, etc.
5. liability or exposure to pain, suffering, trouble, etc.; danger: a damsel in distress.
6. Law .
a. the legal seizure and detention of the goods of another as security or satisfaction for debt, etc.; the act of distraining.
b. the thing seized in distraining.
7. to dent, scratch, or stain (furniture, lumber, or the like) so as to give an appearance of age.


Torture –noun
1. the act of inflicting excruciating pain, as punishment or revenge, as a means of getting a confession or information, or for sheer cruelty.
2. a method of inflicting such pain.
3. Often, tortures. the pain or suffering caused or undergone.
4. extreme anguish of body or mind; agony.
5. a cause of severe pain or anguish.
–verb (used with object)
6. to subject to torture.
7. to afflict with severe pain of body or mind: My back is torturing me.
8. to force or extort by torture: We'll torture the truth from his lips!
9. to twist, force, or bring into some unnatural position or form: trees tortured by storms.
10. to distort or pervert (language, meaning, etc.).

—Synonyms
6. See torment.



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